Having a child makes you a parent. Having two, you are a referee.
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
I love my computer because my friends live in it.
Without geography, you are nowhere.
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem.
If you are drinking to forget. Please pay in advance.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Those who think they know everything annoy all of us who do.
My wife has a split personality. I hate both of them.
There is one thing good about being poor. It is inexpensive.
I only go to work on days that do not end in a 'y'.
Happiness: a good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion.
You know the speed of light. So, what is the speed of dark?
When you are right, nobody remembers. When you are wrong, nobody forgets.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
EVIL is just LIVE spelled backwards.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers? (Professional courtesy)
Man: I want to offer you myself. Woman: Sorry, I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let's start with your bank account.
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions? Student: Well...Yes and No.
Teacher: Did your father help you with your homework? Student: No. He did it all by himself.
My boss is so unpopular that his own shadow refuses to follow him.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb? She says, "Daddy, I need a new apartment."
Teacher: How can you prove that the earth is round? Student: I can't. Besides, I never said it was round.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a click.
Those who live closest arrive latest.
Do it tomorrow. You have done enough mistakes for today.
Use logic on a difficult job. Get somebody else to do it.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted.
There are two kinds of secrets. One is not worth keeping, and the other is too good to keep.
Doctor: Have you fainted before? Patient: Yes, the last time when you told me your fees.
Wife: The doctor has come to see you. Husband: Tell him I'm not feeling well and won't be able to see anyone.
Friend 1: Is it true that your wife talked to herself when she was alone?
Friend 2: I don't know. I wasn't with her when she was alone.
Why 6 is afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.
Many arguments have two sides, but no end.
The wise speak when they have something to say; the fools speak when they want to say something.
Alcohol does not solve any problems...but if you think again neither does milk.
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted.
"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"
There are two things an average girl wishes: to find a perfect guy and to eat without getting fat.
If your father is a poor many, it's your fate. If your father-in-law is a poor many, it's your stupidity.
Some people say I'm crazy...but they have never seen me off medication.
Money is like a sixth sense, and you can't use the other five without it.
The girl rang me up. She says, "come over, nobody is home!" I went over. Nobody was home!
The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't count.