Judge: "Well, sir. I have reviewed this case and I have decided to give your wife $700 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your Honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Doctor: "Did you take my advice about your insomnia and count before going to sleep?"
Patient: "Yes, I got as far as 28,658 and then it was time to get up."
A horse walks into a bar. The barman asks, "Why the long face?"
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like other passengers in his car.
A good essay is 10% inspiration, 15% perspiration, 75% desperation.
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
A bargain is something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
People who snore always fall asleep first.
You can do anything, but not everything.
I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted.
Why 'abbreviation' is such a long word?
A rich man's joke is always funny.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in 14 days I lost two weeks.
Laugh at your problems. Everyone else does.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
You are never too old to learn something stupid.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
By the time you can make your ends meet, they move the ends.
Women like silent men, they think they are listening.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
I used to be indecisive. But now I am not sure.
Anger is one letter short of anger.
One death is one too many.
Here, officer, hold my beer while I find my license.
My job is secure. Nobody wants it.
Money is the root of all wealth. (evils?)
Do not judge a book by its movie. (cover?)
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I started with nothing and I still have most of it.
Chaos, panic, disorder--my work here is done.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many persons is research.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong and she agrees with me.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing right.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He will not expect it back.
Death is hereditary.
Coffee just isn't my cup of tea.
Smile. Tomorrow will be worse.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Why go to university? There is Google.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
If I agreed with you, we would both be wrong.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.